• MORE COFFEE

    Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.

  • SHIPWRECK

    Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

  • SUGAR-FREE

    Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A: A desserter.

  • DINOSAUR GROANS

    Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A. A dino-snore

  • SMARTY PANTS

    The skeleton decided to bone up on the facts for the big exam.

  • MUSICAL SNAKE

    What is the musical part of a snake? The scales.

  • COMFORT FOOD

    Q: Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed? A: A sheet cake.

  • THE PROBLEM WITH SCOOBY-DOO

    Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

  • THE PLOT THICKENS

    Q: What do you call friends who love math? A: algebros

  • WALLET HALF EMPTY

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

  • CONFERENCE CALL

    A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

  • SHOW MUST GO ON

    If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

  • RUNNING OF THE BULLDOGS

    Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A Bulldog.

  • BEES IN THE RAIN

    Q: Can Bees fly in the rain? A: Not without their yellow jackets.

  • PRECISELY!

    Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

  • BEAUTIFUL WORD

    The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

  • BAR SET HIGH

    A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

  • BEAUTIFUL WORDS

    The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

  • FOOD FOR THOUGHT

    Q: What vegetables do librarians like? A: Quiet peas.

  • VEGAN INSULT

    Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian? A: “Bad hunter!”

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