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Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?

A: Mugging!

Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it?

A. “Short” (add +”er”)!

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Q. Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

A. He'll dessert you.

Q: What do you call sad coffee?

A: Despresso

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. 

Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?

Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?

A. A dino-snore.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Q. How does a computer get drunk?

A. It takes screenshots.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Velcro – what a rip-off!

Time does not exist. Clocks do.

 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

 Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

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