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Time does not exist. Clocks do.

 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

 Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own

 We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

When in doubt, mumble.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

2017 will be a prime year to minimize divisions.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

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